Thoughts from a Christian with Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Cave Diving 
 
The first time I really understood that what I was feeling was anxiety was in 2009 when I was in graduate school.  I was trying to process the knowledge that I wasn't healthy enough to return to Papua New Guinea to work in a remote village allocation.  I woke up shaking.  I had to mentally berate myself to get up, get dressed, and go to class.  I felt like my brain was constantly in "fight or flight mode" - even when the stresses I was responding to were relatively mundane. 

I've continued to have horrible bouts of depression and anxiety over the years.  Some of these are because of extremely stressful life circumstances (doctoral program, anyone?) or because the medication I take was out of balance.  

To me, anxiety feels like being sucked into an underwater cave where it's dark, you can't breathe, and there's no real sense of what way's up.  Elements of anxiety are feeling isolated, panicked, and out of control.  When I feel this way I have to basically put my life on hold until things come back into balance. (On the worst days going to the store for milk can feel like a journey to Siberia.)

Hold the Guilt

Let me get straight-up honest here.  Something that makes anxiety worse is well intentioned Christians telling me, "You shouldn't be anxious. You know the Lord." 

Some of the greatest, strongest men and women in the Bible experienced anxiety and depression: King David, Elijah, and Simon-Peter. Telling a Christian to not have anxiety is ludicrous and it piles on guilt because it implies that we must be doing something wrong.  Anxiety isn't something that we can turn on and off with a switch.  

Support and Encouragement

If your loved one is experiencing severe anxiety please be understanding and patient.  Don't minimize their feelings or push them to do more than they're able to.  Encourage them to continue following the directions of their health care provider (including taking medication consistently).  Encourage your loved one to do manageable activities like taking a short walk.  Pray with them. Pray for wisdom for yourself.

After conversations with my counselor and friends who also have anxiety / depression, I learned some helpful responses to folks asking about anxiety:

1. The bodies we live in are corrupt. Christians are not immune to illness like the flu, diseases, or cancer. Our minds are corrupt as well.  No person on earth is free from pain, suffering, or loss. The symptoms of living in a fallen world come in different manifestations.

2. Taking anti-anxiety medication isn't a "crutch" or sign of lack of faith. This stigma is unhelpful and inaccurate. Would you tell a Christian with diabetes to skip their insulin? 

3. God has a purpose in everything. Having anxiety has allowed me to be more understanding and compassionate. Desperate, lonely times when all I can say is, "God, help me!" are times I've felt His presence the most. I realize that I need to rely on Him completely. 

God is Good

 A verse that has given me great comfort is:

Proverbs 3:5-6 (AMP)

⁵ Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.

⁶ In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.

I know that whatever the world throws at me God is there for me. He will lead and guide me each step of the way.

Knowing that I'm not alone makes the biggest difference in dealing with GAD.  I don't have an easy solution, but I do know that God has given me tools to deal with difficult times.  For that I am eternally grateful.

Kitty Nuggets has a way of showing how I feel sometimes.

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

The past two weeks have been rough.  I had a bout with anxiety that kept me from really functioning.  It's happened a few times before - during my last months in Ukarumpa, after my first year of graduate school, and in 2011 when I crash landed in Dallas on medical leave. 

What is it like to have an anxiety attack?  Imagine that you are afraid of something that you cannot see, you can only feel.  Imagine that your world shrinks down to feelings of loneliness and helplessness.    

Then, imagine that you slowly start feeling like yourself again.  

I am grateful for my counselor, Cindy, and my Mom for helping me to work through each day and see things for what they are.

I've been thinking about the Prayer of St. Francis.  
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

An instrument is a tool that is used for a specific purpose.  When we ask God to use us, we must put aside certain comforts and be prepared to make sacrifices.  We have to "get out of His way" and realize that we our His vessel.  

God calls us to love one another.  The command is so simple, but is the hardest thing to do.  Love one another?  Love, when we don't feel like loving?  I'm still wrapping my mind around this.  

How can I be an "instrument of God's peace" today?  I can offer words of encouragement and kindness.  I can offer people the "benefit of the doubt."  I can make the world a kinder place to live. 

Consultant Check

This has been a busy week for the CBTC translators.  A consultant from the American Bible Society, Steve, came to the office for a few days of intense checking!  The translators and board members spent the week painstakingly going through the Gospel of John.  One of the translators read the Choctaw language draft.  Another translator or board member would do a back translation in English.  Then, Steve and our own exegetical consultant, Laura, checked the meaning against the Greek and Hebrew text.

Soon, we'll have the gospel of John ready for publication! This weekend, we're all going to take a much needed break.