Dissertation Writing, Writing, Writing

Psalm 126:6

Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.

During my last week in Papua New Guinea (2007) I was struggling with a lot of questions. I was dying inside with burnout, I was perpetually sick, and I didn't know what the future held. My friend Laura sat down with me and read Psalm 126 to me and I felt like that Psalm was written just for me.


Carrying seed to sow - There's a lot of planting and harvest imagery in the Bible. Anyone who has planted a tiny garden or a full field understands the concepts involved: preparing the soil, planting seeds, watering, and waiting for God to do the rest. In the ground is where the seeds germinate and eventually break through the soil.Painful times require prayer and persistence. These are times that build our faith as we choose to say, "God, I don't know what's happening, but give me strength to keep moving forward." 

Songs of joy - Harvesting is a time of hard work, but it's also a time of celebration.  Seeing how your work has produced a harvest gives us cause for celebration, praise, and gratitude. 

Dissertation Writing - My specific work right now is reading journal articles, data analysis, and typing page and after page. I send drafts off to be proof-read, I get them back with changes. Meanwhile I am going through a range of emotions from anger and doubt to hope and the joy of discovery.  Deep down there's a humming tenacity that I know God has given me to persist until this is completed. 

I know that God is building my faith right now. I am maturing during the process because I'm learning deeper levels of patience and peace. I know God's using this to help me become more like Him. My dream is to be a college professor and this process is preparing me for assisting future students. 

Thoughts from a Christian with Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Cave Diving 
 
The first time I really understood that what I was feeling was anxiety was in 2009 when I was in graduate school.  I was trying to process the knowledge that I wasn't healthy enough to return to Papua New Guinea to work in a remote village allocation.  I woke up shaking.  I had to mentally berate myself to get up, get dressed, and go to class.  I felt like my brain was constantly in "fight or flight mode" - even when the stresses I was responding to were relatively mundane. 

I've continued to have horrible bouts of depression and anxiety over the years.  Some of these are because of extremely stressful life circumstances (doctoral program, anyone?) or because the medication I take was out of balance.  

To me, anxiety feels like being sucked into an underwater cave where it's dark, you can't breathe, and there's no real sense of what way's up.  Elements of anxiety are feeling isolated, panicked, and out of control.  When I feel this way I have to basically put my life on hold until things come back into balance. (On the worst days going to the store for milk can feel like a journey to Siberia.)

Hold the Guilt

Let me get straight-up honest here.  Something that makes anxiety worse is well intentioned Christians telling me, "You shouldn't be anxious. You know the Lord." 

Some of the greatest, strongest men and women in the Bible experienced anxiety and depression: King David, Elijah, and Simon-Peter. Telling a Christian to not have anxiety is ludicrous and it piles on guilt because it implies that we must be doing something wrong.  Anxiety isn't something that we can turn on and off with a switch.  

Support and Encouragement

If your loved one is experiencing severe anxiety please be understanding and patient.  Don't minimize their feelings or push them to do more than they're able to.  Encourage them to continue following the directions of their health care provider (including taking medication consistently).  Encourage your loved one to do manageable activities like taking a short walk.  Pray with them. Pray for wisdom for yourself.

After conversations with my counselor and friends who also have anxiety / depression, I learned some helpful responses to folks asking about anxiety:

1. The bodies we live in are corrupt. Christians are not immune to illness like the flu, diseases, or cancer. Our minds are corrupt as well.  No person on earth is free from pain, suffering, or loss. The symptoms of living in a fallen world come in different manifestations.

2. Taking anti-anxiety medication isn't a "crutch" or sign of lack of faith. This stigma is unhelpful and inaccurate. Would you tell a Christian with diabetes to skip their insulin? 

3. God has a purpose in everything. Having anxiety has allowed me to be more understanding and compassionate. Desperate, lonely times when all I can say is, "God, help me!" are times I've felt His presence the most. I realize that I need to rely on Him completely. 

God is Good

 A verse that has given me great comfort is:

Proverbs 3:5-6 (AMP)

⁵ Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.

⁶ In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.

I know that whatever the world throws at me God is there for me. He will lead and guide me each step of the way.

Knowing that I'm not alone makes the biggest difference in dealing with GAD.  I don't have an easy solution, but I do know that God has given me tools to deal with difficult times.  For that I am eternally grateful.

Kitty Nuggets has a way of showing how I feel sometimes.